9 - So like, yeah

"I love my little mucous factory."

"Labial reduction and MORE."

"I bet she'd like your mudkip."

"If we find like ten more cats, we can totally sew them all together to make such an ugly dress."

"So, she just faps to all the death and destruction?"

"How long before someone puts their dick in it?"

"DAMN my unicorn is constipated. I guess I'll have to take the rainbow horse." - Skyler Parsons

"Need nude pics of a woman to paint from. I am poor/cannot afford to pay a model, so I will pleasure you with my tongue. Please help."

"Cheese is the closest thing I have to a god."

"I will live inside your uterus if you keep back-talking me."

"I don't know about you, but I wanna get all up in Bowser." - me

"I think your eye is ugly."

"I'm always interested in penis."

"Putting your dick in a girl's mouth is an exchange of pleasantries."

"Graduation and beheading ceremony."

"TELL ME WHY YOU STOLE MY RAINBOW."

8 - Always with the dicks and pussies

(going further into my twitter history... if you want up to the minute fabulous quotes you know you should FOLLOW ME)

"Get OFF me and let me sleep, god dammit!"

"Thrust it! Thrust it! Come on I said thrust it!"

"Sorry, currently nobody seems to have an opinion on pussy."

"Probably because your idea of great sex is pretty damn close to most peoples nightmares." - Skyler Parsons

"Sympathy erection."

"It's disgusting, weird, and nasty. You should watch it." - mother

"Is it a flower? It's certainly not a penis."

"Your FACE is nifty!"

"I think I would die if a penis showed up outside my window." - me

"I love how my mother is trying to bond with me by showing me pictures of dead people." - me

"Oh no someone ate spaghetti in the shower again!"

"Cock? For breakfast?!"

"I can see the galaxy in your pussy."

"Fuck the kissing. Shove it down his THROAT."

"Anal sex is nothing like salsa verde." - Skyler Parsons

"...and then I jizzed in her curds and whey."

"At least you didn't break your vagina this morning."

"You're a grown woman in a pickle outfit... who caused a woman to go into an epileptic shock." - Scare Tactics

7 - So there.

"Look into the nipples of the future!" - Really Really Big Man, Rocko's Modern Life

"IF YOU LOVED ME YOU WOULD FINGER ME IN THE BATHROOM." - Skyler Parsons

"I was once a precious flower. Now all I want to do is dress up as a lemur."

"The pants were dead." - Half Life: Full Life Consequences

"How does one buy a ticket for this 'vagina train?' " - me

"Do you have something a trifle less... butch?" - Transamerica

"The internet is for technogeeks with speadsheets."

"Let's play 'house'. You'll be the doctor and I'll slam you!"

"Hideous eyeball injury cupcakes."

"Make my monster grow!" - Rita Repulsa, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers

"I'm a lion wearing a condom."

"Nazi-run women's prison filled with torture loving lesbians hiding a goat in the laundry room."

"He'll probably CRAWL IN BED WITH ME tonight."

"Dildo hut!"

"Wire hangers! Whyyyyy? WHYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?" - Mommie Dearest

6 - I am WARNING YOU

"Your mom's a fuckin' sumo fighter!" - kid on Xbox Live

"Go kamehameha in Goku's penis!" - another kid on Xbox Live

"Nibblets."

"Lick my robot clitoris."

"If we meet again meet and meet and meet and meet again will you scream like last time will you taste the same."

"Murder, I wrote." - me

"MEGA MEAT FEAST."

"Forty minutes past noon on 15 January 1919 a giant wave of molasses raced across Boston."

"Well the entire concept of "souls" sounds pretty fucking sketchy to me. Are you sure you weren't just Michael Jackson all along?"

"The best thing you ever did was suck my cock."

"I fantasize about living on the moon with a little girl."

"Hello straight girls! If it freaks you out that I look at you, wear more clothes to protect you from my CREEPY LESBO EYES!"

"All that jizz." - Brianna Fretz

"So many black girls dance in the hall, in the classroom, on the chairs, next to the chairs, everywhere."

5 - Seriously, sex is terrifying

"What are vaginas? We just don't know."

"My life's philosophy: Fuck everything." - me

"Just fuckin' kill the whore."

"It's another one of those black men." - little sister

"Who wants to ride my disco stick?!" - me

"Whoever wants the dick can have the dick." - Avalon

"OH GOOGELY WOOGELY."

"I'm the horniest motherfucker on the road!"

"So I had a dream, and you were in it as a very grumpy apple worm." - Khrystina Cooper

"Penis goes FLYING."

"I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat."

"She will leap, roll, or even amorphously wobble into action..."

"I like my girls angular." - me

"...and that night they were not divided."

4 - Sex is scary

"Wussy for the pussy." - Avalon

"He looks waaaay too attached to that fish." - Sanitarium

"Your life will be worthwhile if your penis grows a little." - spam email

"WHERE'S MY LATEX?!"

"Remember when I got the flu and I thought Dolly Parton was in the closet with a chainsaw?" - Trevor, Phantasmagoria 2

"She's bisexual, which is what girls call themselves when they can't interact with people without fingering them."

"A CARNIVAL OF CARNAGE."

"to all sellers i must tell you that the custom in mexico keep the thigs and never arrives to his desitny" - ebay forum post

"Shameless tales of wanton dyke lust are finally unveiled!"

"You are full of bombs." - Gauntlet

"I have a frozen hot dog splinter in my eye."

"FINALLY the fuckin' banana's here." - Blizzcon 2009

"Turn that shit DOWN! I am the SPAWN of SATAN!"

"Big lad with trigonometry for a face." - Thomas Ladds

"Time for tentacles."

"It was a festival of meat and muscle."

"...and then he stuck it up my butt."

3 - Reduxin'

"You can't take it with you... but you can lick it so nobody else can have it when you're gone." - Skyler Parsons

"Erotic ping pong kombat."

"Say hello to my little cock."

"YOU DO NOTHING BUT PLAY VIDEO GAMES AND EAT BURRITOS AND BE GAY." - Skyler Parsons

"I have a boob in my eye socket." - Kirri Murphy

"BONDAGE DOES NOT EQUAL PUPPIES."

"Get your fabulous ass up here." - Kirri Murphy

"PUSSY GALORE."

"I will kill you if you do not fuck her brains out." - Skyler Parsons

"There are many uses for your new CD-ROM besides playing it in your computer. You can use it to reflect light into people's eyes." - The Manhole Masterpiece Edition

"YOUR DISCO NEEDS YOU."

"We're trapped in a haunted maze and you're raping me."

"Odds are you have at least one person in your life whose leg you'd happily hump until friction burns put you both on the disabled list." - Cracked

Miscellaney

"Rad hip cool killer hot fast cool kickin' hot wow!" - PS1 advertisement

Internet generated poetry:

"You shall love your neighbor

as yourself

for more information you can visit

the machine love website

compare products

compare prices

read reviews to the point"

"the gold finding machine

house floating

a shared robot

hahahaha

this slim smiled

this nat king cole smile

for me the flying machine and

history of the world's longest running

underground cult michigan vj disc

kaiser chief's wells age gh 1998 the time machine

for a moment i felt that i had

broken the time machine

but in no doubt the exquisite beauty of the

buildings i saw was the elk

of the"

-the human browser

2 - I guess this is the second time around

"Call me mama. Big mama." - Eva, Metal Gear Solid 4

"We're gonna go castrate something." - Mike, Dirty Jobs

"Could danger be lurking in your underwear drawer?" - KTLA news

"Don't you think you would notice if you were drinking pee?" - Will and Grace

"Who wants to pound my vag? Girl power!" - Mrs. Garrison, South Park

"Good lord that's a giant clitoris." - /u/

"Hypersexual bitch." - The Golden Girls

"Of course I'm a faggot, darling. I'm a flaming faggot, darling. I am fanning the flames of my faggotry!" - Margaret Cho

"Hey, I have been known to get a little crazy in the boudoir." - Grace, Will and Grace

"Your face looks like a collapsed star!"

"A harbor cruise scheduled to coincide with San Diego Gay Pride turned deadly over the weekend when a go-go boy fell overboard from the boat and was later fatally shot by police during an attempted rescue."

"Kill the past." - Moonlight Syndrome

"Connor! Connor, stop that now. Connor, I'm going to count to three... in french. Un, deux, trois."

1 - The end of the beginning

"There's only two reasons a woman would be looking at you: One, she's gay and wants to hump your bones. Or two, she just likes your clothes. Only two reasons. That's it." - This Just Out

"How about we all get some cocks?" - Haruhi Grows a Binary Christmas Tree

"So, what did you think of the show?"

"Not enough menstrual blood."

"It's bunt Friday!" - a teacher, Sabrina the Teenage Witch

"Every time I turn my back, you're fooling around on those damn phones, checking your life-journals and your my-places..." - Mr. Morooka, Persona 4

"EW IT'S LIKE A SEX THING." - Pfillip Tepper

"I drink pussy frappuchinos." - Kirri Murphy

"Fuckin' dinosaur china town." - Super Mario Frustration

"...and you can tell she's really japanese because her genitals produce a force field that pixelates the air around them."

"I hate when something looks dead and it's not." - me

"GOOD THING I FOUND A MAGIC BALLOON." - WEEGEE

"Dance Dance Random Access Memory!" - me

"Maybe she's a different kind of lesbian."

"Yeah, the straight kind." - The L Word

"Grab a girl by the collar and say 'Do you want it inside you?'. When she says no, scream in her face 'Don't you fucking lie to me!' " - Pfillip Tepper

"Bitch, get out of here you spilled my skittles!" - Will, Will and Grace

on and about your esteemed blogger

What I say about myself:

"I'm some kind of retarded prince."

"I still can't properly label everything if you give me a like female sex organ... labeling chart."

"Dancing, killing... it's all the same to me."

What Kirri Murphy has to say:

"I think [name] is a pretty cool guy. eh cannot make love and doesn't afraid of anything."

"[name] is a violent lesbian. It comes with the trade 8D"

What Pfillip Tepper thinks:

"The bondage master of claw games."

"A life changing 3 seconds that turns you from [name], a sexy lesbian programmer, into [name], a queen of the night."

"I want so bad to engage in sexual chaos with you."

"You're fucking perfect. A gaming pervert down for film and city shenanigans, someone who will set fires and rape the young with me, who looks and sounds cute, and is a good friend, polite and etc. And now you're saying you're okay with me chloroforming you and dressing you up. Fucking seriously, there had to be one flaw about you! Being gay and I'm not is that one flaw. We make a good team. lol"

ETC individuals:

"[name], you're imagined as a feminine dude that's really a chick that wants to be a dude and wears a mask (literally) so you can hide your beauty. It's convoluted and adorable."

"The sweet embrace of death is less painful by lead injection as it is being attacked by a horrifying/constantly aroused patchwork monster such as yourself." - Skyler Parsons

Holy dicksauce batman

Holy shit that was all of my old quote book.

DESPAIR! What ever shall I do now? Oh, well I have a bunch of fucking quotes saved in a notepad file/twitter/etc so I shall gather them all up now and CONTINUE with this idiotic game.

Come on, you know you wanna play with me.

22 - Words of wisdom

"Quick note here: if this crush-slash-swooning stuff is hard for you to stomach; if you've never had a similar experience, then you should come to grips with the fact that you've got a TV dinner for a heart and might want to consider climbing inside a microwave and turning it on high for at least an hour, which if you do consider only goes to know what kind of idiot you truly are because microwaves are way too small for everyone, let alone you, to climb into." - House of Leaves

"Osama Bin Laden would never understand the joys of Hanukkah." - George W. Bush

"I go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." - Britney Spears

"A stray bullet killed one bystander slightly."

"Thousands of false eyelash factory workers run amok."

"I touch you. I know."

"Useless piece of man!"

"You look so colonistic today."

"Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them." - The Importance of Being Earnest

22 - of pets and prostitutes

"To start, I think women are much more discriminating in general than men in their choice of entertainment experience. Men will do the same stupid thing over and over again and be happy. Women tend to want a more complex, creative experience!" - Will Wright

"Look. $32 for a concrete cat!" - mother

"Sure. Blame your problems on spaghetti." - Rob Roberts

"And one of these days, I'm going to combust. And you're going to be right next to me." - Jamie Summers

"Because, well, if there's one place Mario belongs, it's on your butt." - Kotaku

"If a dog comes up to you and tries to bite you in the jugular, you can just pet it until it dies."

"Mami is all woman. Well, okay, part woman, part battleship filled with nude men."

"Yes. He pushes and groans... He's got such a little hole back there! And his doodies are like rocks."

"I'm gonna go buy it now because that's what us grown-ups do. We buy sexy thing from the sexy shops." - I-Mockery

"Nobody shoots anybody in the face unless you're a hitman or a video gamer." - Jack Thompson

"Nobody slaps fourteen-year-old girls in the face unless you're a Hot Dog on a Stick employee or a dating sim enthusiast." - Kotaku

"Stupid ass dildo warehouse guy!"

21 - TITTIES

"...alpha male."

"There's no women?"

"Alpha male/female you fem-nazi!"

"There's two of them, wobbling their heads and whatnot."

"I'm in the mood for some hippo-licking."

"PEACOCK TIME!"

"You know what I hate? Wavy chips."

"She has a huge thing on her face."

"I think that's her nose."

"...and the car exploded and he was like 'oh no, the tuxedos!' "

"All I have to say is HOEDOWN OF SUFFERING!"

And moar title things:

Bathroom Break of Shock and Awe

Flamenco of Testicular Cancer

Hair Metal of Warning

Overture of Obesity

Rave of Indigestion

Polka of Pain

Pom Squad of Obsolescence

Epitaph of Tapeworms

Stanza of Cockroaches

Drum Solo of Rejection

Bus Ride of Discord

Flamenco of Soggy Fries

20 - Dammit

"That was racist."

"Against see-through people?"

"I just got some eraser residue in my eye."

"It's not really that big of a deal, whatever I did that's amazing."

"Because my butt sends out supersonic waves... that you can understand." - Paris Gray

"They compliment my fat feet."

"I have dirty animal crackers!" - Maya Palmquist

"It's a shower... of terror and death!"

"Because I'm a girl."

"No you're not dude!"

"Hey, don't draw me!"

"I'm not. This is a native person."

"[singing] These are the pants with the holes in the butt~!"

"It's a hole to stick my hand in." - Laurel

"Life is better with dancing zombies." - me

"Your professors will pee in their pants with delight." - Ms. Morales

"Why are you touching my stuff? It's like you have touching peoples stuff syndrome."

19 - Somebody set us up the crap

"Yo gangsta! Get ready to gang bang!" - Bust a Groove

"Tyranny is the natural result of limiting information! Someone, somewhere, will always find something offensive -- mimes for example. Those scare the hell out of me. But should we ban them? No! Free the Internet! we have nothing to fear from fee information but pop-up advertising!" - Privacy Activist

"I hurt my vagina."

"I think he would have made more of a fuss if she died. Like say 'oh my god she died.' "

"I hate life. It doesn't work."

"I'm gonna eat you with my flaming boobs!"

"Oh, I was silently damning your family to hell."

"You want to come see grandma be a bomb?"

"Look at her quaint little tail."

"If I were a flower I wouldn't be that bitchy." - Paris Gray

"You're Hitler!... in bed... with Gabe?" - Emily

"That's mafia talk!"

"You want to eat healthy because you're a democrat!"

"Let's listen for screams of terror."

18 - People are fucking weird

"No, I don't want eyes!" - Paris Gray

"It's the apple of chaos."

"The tongues of young kittens?"

"Home Depot is a creepy place filled with sex." - Laurel

"He's throwing cats over and over until it's just right!"

"I did not salivate on you."

"I have to pee."

[girl is hugged]

"Let me go or I'm gonna explode on you."

"You're gonna die and rot in he--is this your pen?"

"I cannot remember for the life of me how I ended up in the bathtub naked with the spout removed from the wall but I sure did wake up that way."

"Now the only man that can stop the impending disaster is the cigarette-addicted, cardboard box-sneaking, guard-choking, woman-hating, gun toting legend of the battlefield, codename: SNAKE."

"Fact is, if you can't win the games on banner ads, you don't belong on the internet. You belong in a coffin." - I-Mockery

"WELCOME TO DIE!!!!!!" - Magneto

"Your dancing is like sunshine on a cloudy day!" - DDR announcer

"Justice will prevail... just kidding!" - Xinghua, Soul Calibur

17 - The days of yore

"Heff's being held captive by the sausage people and it's all my fault."

"There, there. It could happen to anyone. Sausages are very seductive." - Rocko's Modern Life

"I just ended up filling in the letters that made me feel the happiest."

"It's a religious clock!"

"You are very rude to woman."

"The woman?"

"I am woman."

"Oh my uterus."

"I was talking to myself for a long time... and nobody was listening to me."

"You're disgusting and I hate you."

"...and I'm spanking something but I don't really know what it is."

"She was like the tiniest little white girl you ever saw, but she was a slut."

"Imagine I'm a curtain..." - Ms. Spicer

"It's been decapitated all day." - Laurel

"She's rubbing you, she's playing with me..." - Paris Gray

"I am the epitome of penosity."

"Ow. My innards."

"You have twins waiting to kill you." - Ms. Morales

"You can't rip a palm tree."

"She did. Shut up."

16 - Prissy

"Oh you are an unpleasant woman." - Laurel

"Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' " - Lillian Carter

"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying." - Rodney Dangerfield

"There are two times you smoke a cigarette: After you've had sex or you've killed your first demon."

"I believe I was reincarnated from a bagpipe."

"It's a big, fat thing."

"Like your life."

"Pasta girl."

"That putrid mass of corruption that is just so uniquely you!"

"Goodness gracious. It's just the cauliflower, silly me. I thought it was an alien life form."

"It seemed like a harmless hairstyle until it began to crave RAW FLESH."

"It's our deluxe tapeworm farm! Your child's heart will melt when he sees this colony of cute worms grinding through a stomach right on his toy shelf."

"Somehow you're related to Satan?"

"That's my stepmom."

15 - We found him!

"I don't think they like cottage cheese."

"Who's they?"

"Me."

"...and regular teenage stuff like 'I feel oppressed!' " - Paris Gray

"I brought death for show and tell!"

"You and your baby wipes."

"I think deporting you is funny."

"I thought eating babies was a good thing."

"How about we share breast implants?"

"It's my eyes... and my crotch."

"I'm going to go into explosion mode."

"Your momma's on fire?"

"Here, I found this blood."

"Oh my god, I keep seeing you everywhere. Stop stalking me."

"[while staring at a wall in math] Dolphins. Dolphins." - Fallon Geiger

"I don't have a penis."

"Your hair's on fire, I don't care. Keep working." - Mrs. Schroeder

"Moisturize me!" - Robert Francis

"They jump out at you and shout 'Jesus!' "

14 - Life sucks

"Your head is in the middle of our conversation!"

"Babies don't wear thongs! ... unless they're little baby sluts. But I don't think babies know how to be sluts."

"We can train your Guatemalan child to hate her."

"Why are we making random obnoxious noises?"

"Oh, I could be a professional tortilla maker!"

"Why can't I get something from the goodie box?"

"...You don't deserve it."

"Something's in my bottom!" - Ms. Morales

"Get away from that jazz man!" - Marge, Simpsons

"Excuse me, you're all man."

"It doesn't sound clean it sounds phobic."

"Maybe he thinks you're a robot."

13 - Sucky sucky five dolla

"You're so brokeback."

"I should do that."

"Crucify me?"

"No, I don't want to hear about peoples orgasms!" - Paris Gray

"This is about sex."

"Was it cool? Did you see elephants?"

"Tell him he's hot like salsa. Tell him."

"You had virgin for lunch?"

"ERASE ME!"

"Is it a hot dog?"

"It did look like the pope!"

"Oh that's a poor circle."

"Shut up."

"How can you not draw a circle?"

"SHUT UP!"

"Are you serious?"
"Yes."

"Are you serious?"

"Yes."

"Are you serious?"
"No."

"You and your sticks... made of things."

12 - Beautiful disaster

"Look, it's the food of your people!"

"Now everyone's gonna smell like ME."

"Ewww colons."

"My butt's ghetto too."

"Did you just say you'll have me?"

"Oh thanks. You think of me as a transvestite."

"I've always wanted to die!"

"You're an offspring."

"Your mom has a calculator."

"Don't touch me. You are a prostitute." - Fallon Geiger

"No, but I have a Korean dime."

"Shhh. Don't be so smart."

"It's like we're watching tv but it's REAL."

"She is just so messed up in a beautiful way."

"A total moron. How cute."

"I mean, obviously."

"The grandmother was pulled apart."

11 - Don't even PLAY

"Don't mess with me, I'm pregnant."

"Stop laughing. I hate you."

"I really love it but I really hate it."

"I will not throw fairies at other children."

"She just said it was a personal woman problem."

"I like put it places. I don't wanna put it in my mouth now." - Emily

"Get away from my statistics."

"I mean total fetus test."

"Becky you just got all soul child on us."

"You mean 'soul train'?"

"We'll worry about her when she passes out."

"Oh, you look like one of those Russian egg things!" - Laurel

"I brought a real mexican." -Laurel

"I'm wearing pants."

"No she's not."

"You have to make sure it doesn't tip itself over and drown."

10 - I love you with pure hate

"When I was 8 years old I was just worried about the usual childhood things. How much would the tooth fairy leave me? What would I get from Santa? Would I ever be chosen small curd cottage cheese queen?" - Rose, Golden Girls

"I feel so urban."

"An existence completely forgotten after it has ended." - Hiroyuki Owaku

"Even if I die, it's not the end. That's certainly convenient, I think. But somehow... I can't help but feel that this is terribly unpleasant.' - Heather, Silent Hill 3

"We can create the illusion that you're interesting." - Blanche, Golden Girls

"Sweeheart, you know I'd eat you last." - Fran, The Nanny

"I like ovulating." - Grace, Will and Grace

"...but my penis doesn't enjoy bieng sung to."

"Romance and ammuntion don't mix."

"The earth shall tremble... graves shall open... they shall come among the living as messengers of death and there shall be the nights of terror." - Prophecy of the Black Spider

"it's pointy and weird but I like it." - me

"Did you do something that you weren't supposed to do before you were married?"

"I hate math. [math teacher walks over] I love math with hate. Pure love."

"It's an awkward square dance."

"You're a lovely human."

9 - Nothing ever makes sense anymore

"...Some sorta gimmick. Like 'guess how many leeches are in the jar'?" - Blanche, Golden Girls

"Will you stop messing around with the produce?!"

"You can't fuck a zombie, dude!"

"Hooray! You found my heart." - a Care Bear

"Go in a corner and do something stupid."

"Chicks dig dead guys."

"It's okay to be scared, you know? Being scared is good. Fear is good. Fear motivates. Fear gives you the feeling of being alive."

"You may lick it all you want."

"Come on. Like you never prtended to be possessed by someone's dead husband for a couple of laughs." - Sophia, Golden Girls

"He was killed quite ironically in a banana packing plant."

"If you hold a bird gently, it'll stay. But if you squeeze the bird, its eyes will bug out." - Rose, Golden Girls

"I don't really wanna fight strippers with my mom in the room." - me

"Your pears are distracting."

"As long as they stay the fuck away from my vagina, it's fine." - me

8 - Violence!

"I'm gonna slap that man so hard his brain'll fall out of his ear!" - Fallon Geiger

"I'm depraved... I mean deprived."

"After I watched a zombie movie this weekend I got really hungry."

"If you don't say fuck all the time, they'll know you're not mexican."

"This is my life."

"Your zombie life."

"I may just look like a mild-mannered housewife but I'm actually John Travolta."

"I don't even know why we're friends, we're just idiots."

"it is important to spread joy. Even over the internet."

"Doesn't the idea of a 43 foot burrito excite you?"

"It fell down and lit his crotch on fire."

"I mean it. Stick your hand in there."

"Why don't we just set each other on fire?"

No, I was not fixated on Martha Stewart." - me

7 - Way too much Golden Girls

"Because nothing says love like Silent Hill."

"If you're going to do something, do it differently."

"What does that mean? They don't have a vagina?"

"Apparently, I'm too young to have a valid opinion. And they're too old to have a valid argument."

"My research indicates God hates us. That's why He made His rules so ridiculous that the average person will never get into heaven."

"Boy!!!? Have you been lumberjacking??!!" - Dr. McNinja

"I thought it was an alien man."

"It's a hippopotamus, you retard."

"Love/hate? No, I think it's more of a hate/hate thing."

"I skipped school only once. It turned out to be the day they taught everything!" - Rose, Golden Girls

Golden Girls moment 1

Blanche: I don't really mind Clayton being homosexual, I just don't like him dating men.

Dorothy: You really haven't grasped the concept of this gay thing yet, have you?

Blanche: There must be homosexuals who date women.

Sophia: Yeah, they're called lesbians.

Golden Girls moment 2

Blanche: Dorothy, when I'm feeling low self-esteem, I do a little exercise. I say my name and then three positive things about myself. I'm Blanche Devereaux. I'm beautiful, men find me desirable, and people want to be my friend. Dorothy, now you try it.

Dorothy: Ah, I don't want to.

Blanche: Come on. Please?

Dorothy: Okay. I'm Dorothy Zbornak. I'm beautiful, men find me desirable and people want to be my friend.

Blanche: Oh no, I think I confused you there. I meant three things that apply to you. Like, I'm Dorothy Zbornak. I'm a good speller, and uh... I'm very prompt, and um... well, there's no law that say there have to be three good things.

Dorothy: Um, I just thought of a third one: She can break a friend's neck like a twig.

6 - A slight mixing of obsessions

"That's what I want - a juicy country." - Cat's Cradle, Kurt Vonnegut

"All fall before my knees, begging for my love. But I cannot stay idle! Crime is always afoot, you see." - Pfillip Tepper

"When this little girl starts to sing lullabies, people start to get stabbed." - Gamespot

"I do believe in sluts." - Dorothy, Golden Girls

"Philosophy is the ultimate aphrodisiac pleasure - learning how to operate your brain, learning how to redesign chaos." - Timothy Leary

"I despise the pleasure of pleasing people that I despise." - Lady Mary

"You hate The Golden Girls?! Well suck on this, punk."

"We were just... collecting lingerie for... needy sexy people." - Blanche, Golden Girls

"I would love to have kept that clock, had it not been used as a murder weapon to crush my skull until I hemorrhaged and died..." - Mia Fey, Phoenix Wright

"Who do you think you are? Just because a woman happens to be proficient with a whip does NOT means she's some manner of sexual deviant!" - Manfred Von Karma, Phoenix Wright

"Sorry... I just feel strange talking to a festively dressed piece of plywood."

"It was a mistake! I impregnate strange demons when I'm drunk! I thought it was you!" - Mix Master Head, formerly Pyramid Head

"...and your California High School Exit Exam, which you only really need to be alive for." - Ms. Morales

5 - We don't give a shit

"Why? I'll look like a triceratops."

"You have elbows."

"I was the queen mermaid."

"I'm so happy for you."

"Pac-man's all lumpy..."

"Why do you smell like a man?"

"Shut up."

"It's so historically inaccurate! She shaved her armpits!"

"You missed the death by orgasm scene." - Jamie Summers

"I have a big block of cheese."

"I'm good. I'm a whore."

"I like a man with a big.... vocabulary." - April, Phoenix Wright

"I'm the kind of robot that wants to live in your underwear."

4 - In which I make a fool of myself

"This is almost as magical as finding a zombie in your bag!" - me

"What kind of friend are you to punch me in the crotch?!" - me

"Why do you exist?" - Paris Gray

"I like how she looks like a man."

"She looks like a bear."

"I'm no longer a woman." - me

"EAAAAAT IT."

"Remember? She bought those fun condoms."

"I can't even pick her up. How can I take her to the moon?" - me

"You don't have any noodles so stop it." - Vivi

"I am Hitler." - me

"Oh my god you have hair!!"

"...Thank you?"

"I like the one about bitches." - me

"It's too bad there aren't more about penis and vagina."

"The thing I enjoy most is math." - liar Nancy from the spanish textbook

"Because books totally walk... and cowgirls ride on them."

3 - Good days

(fuck man, I kind of miss my sassy school)

"...and I don't want to bring nice things in here because you guys might lick them." - Ms. Morales

"You're not a fertility god!"

"You're a slut. Go sit on the other side of the room."

"Filled with passionate human emotion... and putty."

"I wish I was a boy that would I would pee on the teacher."

"There were holographic dinosaurs?!"

"We don't do that in imaginary lands." - writing teacher about sex

"I love my fetus."

"I hate you and your happy mustache man." - Paris Gray

"I love girls. Oh no, I'm not a lesbian."

"...and then the giant marshmallow came and they had smores."

"That sounds thrilling. Corn."

"Untouched virgin paradise!"

"How 'bout you do your homework and not smell each others hair?"

resumen - 2

(okay regular quote time. Whenever someone has Mr, Ms, Mrs it's supposed to signify they're a teacher BECAUSE THEY DO NOT HAVE FIRST NAMES)

"I'm so totally hot right now. I think I'll take my clothes off." - Ms. Morales

"It's kinda like choppin' the penis off a man." -Ms. Morales

"No, I'm the horse." - Mrs. Schroder

"No sex, no drugs, no death. What am I supposed to do?"

"Gelatinous cube eats villagers." - Wayne's World

"Care to copulate?"

"But I can't make love to a bush!" - Singing in the Rain

"I promise I'm not showing smut." - Ms. Loomer

"I need to flail sometimes."

"You promiscuous retard!"

"[to a math book] You're WRONG!"

I have to have a tuna. Now."

"She just can't stop dating two dimensional stereotypes."

"You will have a pop quiz that's a complete secret next class." - Sr. Kikawa

"If we get caught in an elevator I'll just say 'Yeah. We're doing an experiment for chemistry... testing the, uh, attraction.' "

"So they decided to shoot them all."

"The bananas?"

Hardcore quotes?

(these were REAL quotes. REAAAAL published ones)

"When Love is suppressed, Hate takes its place." - Havelock Ellis

"Where love is, no disguise can hide it for long; where it is not, none can simulate it." - La Rochefoucauld

"We are obliged to love one another. We are not strictly bound to "like" one another." - Thomas Merton

"Love's gift cannot be given, it waits to be accepted." - Rabindranath Tagore

"The aim of love is to love: no more, and no less." - Oscar Wilde

"Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here." -Marianne Willamson

"True love is like seeing ghosts: we all talk about it, but few of us have ever seen one." - La Rochefoucuald

"Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right." - Woody Allen

"I think our young people are getting it all together. Not that I think you should be making love all the time--who can do it all the time? Though I do try." - Cary Grant

"Sex is a conversation carried out by other means." - Peter Ustinov

"Our desires always increase with our possessions; the knowledge that something remains yet unenjoyed, impairs our enjoyment of the good before us." - Samuel Johnson

"When I was in the military they gave me a medal for killing to men and a discharge for loving one." - Leonard Matlovich

"If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them shall have committed an abomination; they shall be put to death, their blood is upon them." - Moses

"Prostitutes don't sell their bodies, they rent their bodies. Housewives sell their bodies when they get married." - Florynce Kennedy

"It's all this cold-hearted fucking that is death and idiocy." - D.H. Lawrence

The final doom - 3

"That's you. He's sad because he has a unibrow and no legs."

"You'd flee where?"

"To the center of the earth!"

"I so do not look like Satan."

"Your shoes remind me of Jesus." - Laurel

"It was a kind of entering and knowing a woman, even if you were at the other end, inside her head instead of between her legs."

"[holding a pencil] I can't write with this abomination!"

"You wear a sweater vest and the world turns against you."

"They ate you...?"

"It appears he had magical pants."

"Don't tap dance in a burning building."

"The children love their pencils."

Presumably the green folder part 2

"Stab. Stab. Stab." - Paris Gray

"Like please, like por favor, would you stop breathing your bad breath on my face or I am going to scream." - ¡Yo!, Julia Alvarez

"I love fluffy animals in my bed." - Kevin Stanic

"Santa Ana is for lovers" - Laurel

"I could carve a better man out of a banana."

"If it had a midget hooker in it, it'd be awesome."

"He just warped into a beautiful woman."

"Because he's an octopus in disguise."

"I can't tell if they're lesbians or just really good friends."

"I'm licking a dog." - Fallon Geiger

"Shut up you stupid big-boobed freak!"

"Oh, that doesn't taste like the normal kid."

"I want a gay black Jewish female with asthma in a wheelchair president."

"I pass rats with friends all the time."

"I turn around and random body parts are there."

"They put hot sauce on the snail and it like exploded."

"Oh my god he's half a person."

"Does your pencil gyrate?"

Quotes found formerly on green folder of doom

(oh shit, I forgot initially I had a folder filled with creative writing assignments that I had scrawled quotes on... before QUOTE BOOK! AHHHH)

"I think it's kind of weird how she morphed from damsel in distress to evil psycho killer."

"You don't want to be responsible for the death of Santa's wife, do you?"

"She was struck by lightning. Repeatedly."

"How many lunchboxes of sin did she pack to make that journey, I wonder!" - Angel, Phoenix Wright

"We're superheroes. We fly. It's fun."

"Go plastic, young man!" - Kurt Vonnegut

"...and I will let you eat the gnome."

"Good thing I'm a hardcore Mormon conservative."

"Cloning is not only less fun than sex, it would freeze evolution and destroy our chances for survival in the future." - Mautner

"That means no matter what you do, you're dating your cousin."

"She laid the ticket lady?"

"I'm not a mannequin!"

"Yes you are." - Spanish class conversation

"On her way, she tripped over a dinosaur." - Sr. Kikawa

"Old loves are weaker than new loves." - Euripides

"I was going to lick it, but it dissolved."

"There was magic. They didn't need plastic surgery."

"He gathers her pieces."

"But the judge guy was just sorta floating..."

"They should turn teachers off after school."

List of overheard WORDS

(dude I was like 15 shut up)

Ho bag - disturbingly bag like woman

Slut bucket - bad person who deserves to be thrown away

Poot - the sound of an implosion

Pura vida - awesome declaration of the word "awesome"

Phantasmagoria - super cool word to be shouted at private times

Divine interpretation - god-like translation

Faust - of turning into ice

Bombones - horrible tasting muffines

Bourgeoise - people who have money and flaunt it

Betty bob - manwoman

Bufanda - spanish-speaking scarf

Pi - exclamation of joy

Booboolings - fantastical fictional creatures

Moose - secret service agent

Octopi -

Fzork - german spork

Sexista - the act of making love in an airplane

Shizzle - a wad of money

Vaudvillian - nightmarish creature wearing snazzy clothes

Oprah - Unidentified Flying Object

Que linda - the true meaning of life

Constituent - a friendly friend

Orgasmic - perfection

COMO FUE - how was it?!

Escherichia coli - DEATH

Slut puppet - whatever your heart desires

Blitzkrieg - super scary muscle man

Hugahaba - love

Geopolitics -

Muchachitos -

Fruit Machine -

Menapods -

Woob -

Torturte - exploding whales

Verbal ejaculation - SCORE

Vajoobjoob -

Essential fizz -

Quote Book Uno

(in all actuality it was the only quote book I ever had. However I do use notepad/twitter for new quotes. I WISH I had written down names with a lot of these)


"And god said unto them, be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth." - Genesis 1:28

"It's like little kid sluts... everywhere!"

"Kind of sounds like child exploitation."

"I look like an alligator."

"He's evil and obese!"

"I feel so flammable."

"I have to pee really bad. Wanna come with me?"

"I'm like a spanish old lady trapped in a teenage body."

"I'm chemically imbalanced!"

"We're all american at heart. Everyone except you. You're just weird."

"Hot, exuberant stirring of sexual excitement comes to a climax in this exquisitely sustained story." - back of some chick lit or some shit

WHAT IS THIS I DONT EVEN

Hello internet! I AM THE SUN. Or moreso, someone you do not need and do not desire to know. Back in the days of high school, when I was just a fledgling of the freak I would become I had a quote book... This quote book was, well, filled with quotes. Whenever I heard something lulztastic being said I whipped it the fuck out and wrote it down.

Now, I don't think I'm going to post everything because I am sure more than half of it is awful nonsense (not the good kind). But I'm sure there is comedy gold buried within its blue binding.

SO I HOPE.