"Oh you are an unpleasant woman." - Laurel
"Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' " - Lillian Carter
"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying." - Rodney Dangerfield
"There are two times you smoke a cigarette: After you've had sex or you've killed your first demon."
"I believe I was reincarnated from a bagpipe."
"It's a big, fat thing."
"Like your life."
"Pasta girl."
"That putrid mass of corruption that is just so uniquely you!"
"Goodness gracious. It's just the cauliflower, silly me. I thought it was an alien life form."
"It seemed like a harmless hairstyle until it began to crave RAW FLESH."
"It's our deluxe tapeworm farm! Your child's heart will melt when he sees this colony of cute worms grinding through a stomach right on his toy shelf."
"Somehow you're related to Satan?"
"That's my stepmom."
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